It is quite strange how dreams and fuck with your entire conciousness all through the day. Dreams of people in your past, dreams of boys who never gave you a chance, then suddenly spring at you when you're no longer interested. Ah, dreams of a boy in Cali was in love with his broken heart and his bitter taste of passed lovers. Dreams of rejection, and dreams of second chance, which all turn out to be vile trash. You awake next to a person who's broken your heart many, many times and still you both hold on ever so tightly.
Then the heart thunps, and thus the blood keeps pulsating. You awake to the present with nothing more but a bitter taste of the past.
Strange, isn't it?
Date/Time:Saturday, June 2, 2007/11:30 a.m.
bored. bored. bored. the keyboard's fucked because the shift key doesn't work, and neither do a few others. oh, by the way, my medical bills are about fifty-thousand dollars. i'm going back to work this tuesday though, but only part time. it's better sitting here, chainsmoking, and playing dorky online games all day. wish me luck in my lawsuit.
Date/Time:Tuesday, May 22, 2007/12:58 a.m.
Oh, get this! They changed my court date from 06/05/07 to 07/05/07 - MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY. I hope it's a good birthday. Happy 21st to me.
Date/Time:Tuesday, May 22, 2007/12:51 a.m.
Cigarette, cigarette, cigarette. I need a fucking cigarette. I also need a shower. The leg swelling has gone down and my appointment is this Weds. Wow, it's already been almost two weeks and I'm getting pretty awesome with the crutches.
Despite my improvement, I've been feeling rather down and frustrated because I can't locate all the information I gathered for my attorney (which hasn't returned my message which I left with his secretary). I'm suspecting all of it fell behind the oven. I tried to wriggle the oven out of its nook, but with my healing leg it's almost physically impossible for me, without hurting myself. I'll wait for D--- to get home and help me look for it.
I know what I need to do is get away from the damn computer.
Date/Time:Wednesday, May 9, 2007/11:44 p.m.
Well, I just got out of the hospital today, around 3:00 PM. I was hit by a truck while attempting to cross the crosswalk in this shitty intersection that also had construction shit lying around, but no sign that said, "crosswalk Closed (Which totally contradicted the bastard cop for laying the fault on me)." I now have a shiny new stainless steel rod in my left femur and a grip of bruises and scrapes from sliding a long the cement.
Regardless, I've got to find a lawyer and take pictures of my beat-up self, and hope for the best on my court date. Ohhh, I've never been to court. How exciting!
Date/Time:Monday, May 7, 2007/12:18 a.m.
Hi, how are you? Fine, thankyou!
Date/Time:Tuesday, April 10, 2007/01:54 a.m.
Well, dear readers, how long has it been? Yes, it's been quite a while since I've written anything really at all. Well, anything but things for school that really express nothing emotionally, but about heresay and a glint of what i like to call emo-politics (I define this emotion that is stripped of its innate wrecklessness and is usually simply worded for all to understand [which can (wow, right now I feel like I'm slow motion. Yes, like this wavy, fuzzy wave of slowness that makes me feel like I'm floating.) stragetically shaken off ]--- Wow, I'm stoned.
Date/Time:Monday, January 29, 2007/08:50 p.m.
I'm somewhat disturbed by the relationship of Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen (AKA Sid and Nancy). I always was under the assumption Sid was just this vile, crazed out heroine addict who basically had this groupie girl, who was just so crazy about him that she would do whatever he wanted. Apparently it's the other way around, but who the hell knows? However, it was documented that Nancy did have some psychological issues as a child that seemed to have this snowball effect as she grew older.
Well, I've got an appointment for a consultation to pull out my wisdom teeth. I have 12,000 cavities and anesthetically speaking (as well as functionally) my mouth's a fuckin' train wreck.
Oh, what three years of ignoring problems can hide.
Date/Time:Saturday, January 20, 2007/08:01 p.m.
My wisdom tooth in the top left-hand side is coming in and it's driving me nuts. I have a dentist appointment on Monday. I still need to get my book and complete the first HIST 102 assignment due by the 27th. However, I don't feel stressed. Infact, I feel rather content. Hungry, but content.
Date/Time:Saturday, January 13, 2007/12:20 a.m.
Well, it's day four on the L-med and the dizzies pretty much we're gone by day one. It's the occasional drowsiness that gets me, especially at work. It' also makes me a bit more focused than usual, and remember childhood memories at night. I think I'm going to finish bleaching my hair in the back, and clean the dishes.
Date/Time:Tuesday, January 9, 2007/08:49 p.m.
I woke up today with a rather nasty throat. So, I called in and then rolled over and slept. About 1:00p.m. I woke up to take my first pill, and then went back to bed. I didn't officially wake up until around 3:30p.m.
Once finally on my feet, I felt rather strange--with the dizzies. Strangly enough I still managed to head out the door to pick up a few things from the grocery store, and then return home.
Right now, I feel rather nauseous, and I can't stop yawning. I might be hungry, but I can't really tell. All I know is that I haven't eaten anything all day. Now food sounds good. Soup, maybe?
Date/Time:Monday, January 8, 2007/09:23 p.m.
Well, I finally paid a visit to the doctor which turned out to be a rather stressful one, considering mostly everyone in the office spoke mainly Spanish, and my insurance turns out to be as useful as an unreliable friend. After explaining them that I simply think I'm depressed, and that I cannot afford the 0 co-pay for a back exam, I was instructed to fill out a little qeustionarre on depression.
Once I was in the patient room and I further explained how I actually felt, she told me my case was rather extreme and suggested counseling, as well as a small dosage of Lexapro.
Personally, I'm kind of anxous about it. I'm sure it's normal. Then again, I'm more ready to start feeling mainly happy then the total exact opposite. Right now, I just want to make my Maruchan ramen with yakisoba sauce, tofu, vegetables, and springrolls because all I've eaten today were crackers.
Date/Time:Sunday, January 7, 2007/09:24 p.m.
Why do I love hair cuts and bleach jobs so much?
Date/Time:Wednesday, January 3, 2007/11:34 a.m.
Nutella, why are you so delicious?
Date/Time:Tuesday, January 2, 2007/10:16 p.m.
I was walking up the stairs, after returning from work. I glanced for a brief second at the parking lot and I swore I saw the bed of a tan truck, which was reminiscent of the truck those two men were driving when they tried to mug me. Now, I can't stop thinking about it.
I keep thinking I'm going to be fast asleep, and I'll hear the door being kicked in. I'll have to slam the bedroom door, lock it and dial 9-1-1. They will plead with me to stay on the line, while I hide in the closet and hear them turning things over, smashing things. I will tell them to hurry, but it won't be enough. It'll be a tragic end to my life, and my fifteen minutes of fame will be a horrid picture of me on the five-o'-clock news with a tragic story.
My heart is throbbing. This thought is a silly one, and everything will be okay. Breathe. Breathe.
Date/Time:Tuesday, December 26, 2006/09:45 p.m.
It's the day after Christmas and I couldn't feel fatter and/or more disgusted with this city. My ATM card is certainly a waste at selected shops, and all day (although this timeafter work was supposed to be a nice time) turned out of be tiring, and just caused me to crave my own little apartment instead of aisles and dirty streets.
I know my fluff is only swelling and I know it's from all the holiday treats(i.e., that apple pie I made [which turned out fantastic]) and all the carbs that I had to resort to (i.e., stuffing, potatoes, chips, yams, squash casserole).
All I wanted today was to find a pair of jeans. All five pairs that I had tried we're either too baggy all over, baggy in the wrong spots, too tight, or just plain too damn tight. 5? 4? 2? Everything's too damn long, why must I be so short??
On the bright side, I bought this fantastic set of sewing scissors, a little starter sewing kit, metallic needles, two very cute tops, a pair of black framed sun glasses, and I finally got the nerve to buy douche. This will most likely be my first and last time, considering all the terrible things I heard about it. I guess with all things, moderation is best.
Date/Time:Saturday, December 23, 2006/09:23 a.m.
Good times: Eating Morningstar sausage links and cinnamon bread with nutella, listening to the Buzzcocks in my pajamas six minutes before I should be heading out the door for work.
Date/Time:Wednesday, December 6, 2006/06:00 p.m.
So, today I was mugged by two guys that came strolling up in a huge truck. I was leaving for my History class (to catch the bus) when I see headlights in the street. I politely trot across the parking lot to get out of their way when they turn, half assed, into a parking space. Once again, atempting to be polite, I trot IN FRONT (biiig mistake) of their truck and I'm faced with a short, bald, olive-skinned mother fucker. He cocks his gun and says, "give me your purse."
At this moment, all logic escapes me and I start backing away from him clutching my purse in my hand: My response: Fuck you, no! Another guy (this guy was a fat fucker, shaved head) grabs at my purse, but I still hold on. At this point, I'm screaming, "HELP HELP HELP," and this guy starts running, and the two men get in their truck, and wait to turn on to the street calmly, casually. I pick up a lens from my broken glasses on the cement, and I say to myself their liscense plate. I say it again, and again.
The guy that came running asks me if I'm okay, and I tell him the liscense plate number. Tears start to fall. He asks if I want to call the cops, and I say yes. He waves them down.
Date/Time:Tuesday, December 5, 2006/11:23 p.m.
Ever obliviously fucked yourself over financialy?
Date/Time:Saturday, December 2, 2006/02:05 a.m.
Bed. I should be in bed right now. My mind is beating faster than my heart, and I can't seem to get to bed. I smoked, I smoked again, and I took a warm shower. All I can do is get these intense waves of emotion and then calm down again. I can't sleep. No I can't. I can imagine soft sunrays over cold mountains, and cold, clean sheets. I can imagine dead, dry leaves and the crunch of them squeezed between fingertips and palms. D--- will be home soon. D---. Intense, angry love, and yet sometimes it's colder than numb.
I still love you, and I still have this heartbeat of "exhaling after holding your breath in for fifty five seconds" for you. Oh, my love, I'd cimb the sky for you. I've let passed moments soil our relationship and I do apologize. My head isn't right, right now.
Date/Time:Thursday, November 30, 2006/12:31 p.m.
You ever feel so disinterested with everything, you don't even want to wake up from your own dreams that you can't even piece together?